The Carpoon
As I was driving my sister to the mall yesterday, I found myself surrounded by the frantic commotion of teeming pilgrims flocking to their after-Christmas Mecca. Snowbirds in gigantic Buicks sprawled across three lanes of traffic, dimwit Civic owners showing off their newest twelve-foot spoilers by ignoring as many stop signs as possible, pedestrians waddling through the parking lot with a Cinnabon and a death wish, minivan drivers who show their support for everything they possibly can with a little ribbon sticker, except using their goddamn turn signals. There was no end to the parade of awful drivers. I was mad as hell, and I wasn't going to take it anymore.
If only there was a way to send a clear -- but nonlethal -- message to drivers whom I, in my infinite wisdom, deem to be complete idiots. A message that would provide both a polite reminder not to cut me off again, and a reminder that everyone except for me is a terrible driver. And lo, the Carpoon was born.
In an effort to establish some prior art, lest the immense power of the Carpoon is allowed to fall into the wrong hands, I have drafted several diagrams of my invention. The Carpoon is comprised of the following:
With proper aim, the Carpoon will easily lodge itself in the front or rear bumper of a nearby vehicle. However, improper aim is oftentimes more fun. In addition to launching a massive steel projectile into the bumper or windshield of other vehicles, the Carpoon provides an easy solution to improving your gas mileage -- simply freeload on the car in front of you by grabbing a quick tow. Plus, the Carpoon adds a much-needed nautical flair to any vehicle. And as you know, nautical flair improves everything. I anticipate that the Carpoon would have a particularly powerful deterrent effect, but if road rage ever strikes, it's easily relieved. Patent pending.
Edit: I've been beat to it!
If only there was a way to send a clear -- but nonlethal -- message to drivers whom I, in my infinite wisdom, deem to be complete idiots. A message that would provide both a polite reminder not to cut me off again, and a reminder that everyone except for me is a terrible driver. And lo, the Carpoon was born.
In an effort to establish some prior art, lest the immense power of the Carpoon is allowed to fall into the wrong hands, I have drafted several diagrams of my invention. The Carpoon is comprised of the following:
- One standard-model whaling harpoon gun
- 200 yards of steel tow cable
- Several bolts
With proper aim, the Carpoon will easily lodge itself in the front or rear bumper of a nearby vehicle. However, improper aim is oftentimes more fun. In addition to launching a massive steel projectile into the bumper or windshield of other vehicles, the Carpoon provides an easy solution to improving your gas mileage -- simply freeload on the car in front of you by grabbing a quick tow. Plus, the Carpoon adds a much-needed nautical flair to any vehicle. And as you know, nautical flair improves everything. I anticipate that the Carpoon would have a particularly powerful deterrent effect, but if road rage ever strikes, it's easily relieved. Patent pending.
Edit: I've been beat to it!
posted by E.C. Mendenhall | 13:44
2 Comments:
I need one of those.
-L to the T
What a fucking looser you are.
There was a chance to design and produce a tool which would help the Police by firing a carpoon into the rear of the vehicle and thus slow the joyrider or car theif by means of an attached cable between the offending vehicle and the Police car.
This would have allowed the Police car to slow the vehicle to a stop safely.
Now that's all gone because of you you prat.
Get a life, and do something useful instead of ruining it for the rest of us....wanker!
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